Chapter 14

Everything in my work was flourishing and I was invited to have a book signing at Hastings Superstores. I did a presentation with a friend Meredith at the Library where we shared classical guitar, poetry and my art. People flew in for the book signing which was held in two stores that week. My nude was in the front window of J'Born's gallery and times were moving well.

It is strange how life goes up and down. Just when you think you are on the right track you make a wrong choice or two and that alters your path. I am true believer that God can take mistakes and make good from them. It might not be in our time frame of mind and that is the toughest part of learning. This chapter I have stayed away from for quite sometime. It was a hard time and one that left me confused and battered.  I had a friend in real I spent some time with. She too was an artist, a very good one and her life and mine have seen many trials. One day she spoke of a man she knew well who lived in the country and had a great old barn. She said we could go paint there.  Some time passed and one day we went. I felt a great deal of sadness in this house and I wasn't sure why. I remember the house was clean and this man I would later nickname Gar. I could sense lots of loneliness and I saw a wheelchair in one room. I wondered what the story was from that but I didn't ask.  This place at one time I was told was an old resort where gangsters had even came. There were two empty neglected pools in front of the house. At one time those were mineral baths where these trains would bring guests. This was actually the guest house where I was at. We all walked out to the barn but never really set plans to go back. I did ask my friend the deal with the wheelchair and she told me he had been in a serious car accident hitting a tree, paralyzed and wasn't suppose to walk again. Yet he found the courage to battle that and recovered well.

Later that week my friend called me and told me this man would like to take me out on a date.  I really hadn't dated that much since I was always so busy with Castles and my website and I refused. He left the door open with an invitation to visit anytime and watch a movie. One night I thought about that and decided to drive out.  He smiled and we sat down and chatted some. I remember watching the movie "City of Angels" and we talked about angels. I enjoyed trying to paint them so this subject was enjoyable. Before I left he asked for me to pray that God would send him an angel.  He had pretty eyes and conversation had been pleasant and the house was surrounded in trees with lots of wildlife. He invited me to come out whenever I wanted to just relax. We begin to date and both enjoyed playing pool so we spent some time at the bowling alley. My car needed a muffler and so one day he asked me to bring it down to a garage he was working at and he would fix it. His word was true and he wouldn't let me pay him for it. We started to spend more time together and he asked me to marry him. I said no...I wasn't really interested in marriage. But time passed and I grew fond of him... I thought there was much more to him than maybe others had seen. We laughed a lot, played, and explored. So, one day I said yes to the offer. When one looks back you can see red flags you ignore.

It wasn't long into the marriage something didn't seem right. I noticed phone calls being taken outside, times when he had to pull over to let me drive before he passed out. As the days went by I discovered drugs were the main facet in his life and that seemed to be growing. I would find them in the closet, in the trunk of the car etc. He would come home, light a cigarette and go to sleep with it in his mouth. One day we had an argument and I was driving. I told him I was going to leave. He told me he needed some shotgun shells and I asked why. There was no straight answer so I drove home. I think this was the beginning of the abuse. He shot up the entertainment center, baby racoons, and stood the shotgun at the door where when I walked in I would see it first thing. He told me about a girl he once knew and how he wanted to take her out to the woods to kill her... then later he would ask me if I wanted to go for a walk in the woods.  Many other things happened and I was trying to figure it all out. Castles begin to suffer for I didn't go in much, and my friends stopped visiting. They knew what was going on and were angry with me for staying. I also feared for them for one friend had driven 3 hours to visit. Gar took in out to the woods and showed him his shotgun and shoot. My friend SirRon felt something thing that he didn't feel comfortable with either and worried about me.

I kept trying to help... we would talk about the drugs once he admitted it. We went to drug classes, read the bible and I was able to see him even get baptized. But things got worse. I would take my paintings and run with them and hide them as he threatened to destroy them. There is something I believe an artist can do and that is destroy their own but not someone else.

It got so bad I slept in my clothes at times, hid my keys in my shoe because usually if I tried to leave he would grab the keys. Being able to paint was difficult or write poetry and going into Castles was almost impossible. I remember painting one night early in the morning about 3am when he stormed out telling me to get in the bed.( in not so nice of words) .. I stayed with my painting and The Angel of Mercy was born.

When I sold this painting the lady who bought it picked up on the abuse by looking at it and related to it

. Lovers Cross was also painted during this period as well as many others.

I left several times but seemed to always go back. When I sprained my ankle in a fall and went to the doctor I found out he had cancelled my health insurance. Once when I was living with my son Gar showed up when no one was home but me. I feared for their safety so returned only to be held by gun point and told I would have to watch him kill himself. Of course he didn't do it ....but the damage to my emotions was done.

He wasn't working when we first met but became an over the road truck driver and I went with him once when he asked. I ended up jumping out of this rig 300 miles from home with $200 in my purse and 2 suitcases. I was taken to a battered woman's shelter hidden away and knew then how lucky I was to be able to meet these other women who had survived and hear about all the ones who didn't. I had a friend in CA who flew me home and I filed for divorce the next day with a restraining order. I know there was good I saw in this man but drugs ruled. I recall him asking me " Why did you give up?  I said, " Because you never made a wrong right with anyone." I do hope he is is happy and God did send him an angel.

I left two paintings with him I had given him. One was "Escape Into the Light" and "Cowboy". I had no idea what become of these and did wonder about them often. Ironic one day years later someone would see them at a garage sale for $2.00 each far from where they started and bring them back home to me. Then a man in GA fell in love with them and purchased them both so they would be respected and loved.

I did some research after that and learned the average time a lady will stay in an abusive situation is 7 yrs. It took a long road to walk to heal but I had good friends who stood by me and helped. I was free from this and in Castles I eventually recreated the house in 3d where I had lived and it became a place where people would gather .. all safe..but discuss their own tragedies in life. It is called Golden Pools.

"Looking back on hard times always reveals some good"

©belladora

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